It’s taken me a good week to finally reply to all your emails. Each time I read them, I was comforted. Ironically, there was also a sadness that enveloped me so much each time I read the emails. Perhaps, it was being reminded over and over again that my mom, my go to person, my rock, my best friend is truly not here anymore. Many of you know that I am who I am because of my mom. I’ve become her in so many ways and I am still learning to…and to know that I can no longer call to ask how to cook something, or ask her how to love my husband or coworkers,etc, or just have someone who understands my entire make up..my world feels so completely shattered in so many ways. There are no emails, no calls, no words that can bring comfort to me because she is absolutely gone. Surprisingly, hugs do comfort me. 
It’s also hard for me to reply emails because then I too must reciprocate to you about my mom, thus bringing her up again. It’s incredibly difficult, but time heals all wounds and I am starting to experience that. So here is my simple email to you.
Thank you for your words, for your memories. My mom loved you as much as she loved the next person sitting next to her on the bus. That was the kind of woman she was. She knew that you were a beautiful creation by God and that no matter how much love she gave you, she couldn’t give you what God can. So that was her life goal, to make God known to others. She had to experience it herself before she could preach it. There were times when it was really hard and she felt hypocritical, but by God’s grace she always came back to Jesus almost immediately. I remember during her last days when she was already fully unconscious and in a daze, I asked her, “Do you know that Jesus loves you?” hoping she would be sane enough to answer. She didn’t reply for an hour, then about an hour later she looks at me and goes..”I was thinking about what you asked me? About if Jesus loved me?” I said, “yeah…” She goes, “YES! HE DOES LOVE ME!” She smiled and laughed to herself. I was so eternally comforted by that. Despite her Flesh and Heart failing her, she did not let it stop her from knowing His love for her. Reminds me of Romans 8:38-39.
The more and more I think about her death, I truly am starting to slowly, not quickly, slowing rejoice in that she is with the Lord. This morning we attended church. To be honest, it was painful because there is nothing more tortuous and awkward than seeing tons of people who have no idea what to say to you. When they do they say something, they know they set off something. My family and I seriously just did a lot of nodding, yeses, and thank yous. But anyway, the message was on Joy, of course. It was also in Mandarin. My mandarin is decent but not Church message decent. So I opened the hymn book and started looking through it. I opened it to a random page and started “practicing” my mandarin in my head. The hymn was called, “Face to Face.” I don’t remember all the lyrics but at the end it wrote, “Till one day I will meet you face to face, I await that day I’ll meet you face to face.” (I’m paraphrasing). But it hit me once again…She did it! She has finally met him and will be with him forever. All the days of our lives we will toil and enjoy some days, but none of it will compare to the day we meet him face to face. How glorious that my mother has reached it. It’s not that cancer beat her, death beat her, but that…she beat cancer, she beat death. She has eternal life! Something we can only await to receive.
It’s amazing that in this time of tremendous pain and sadness, God is shedding light. Few nights ago, my father’s friend called and said she had a dream about my mom. She was standing at what looked like Bethel, waiting on some stairs, waiting to be received to heaven. She had hair again and was laughing filled with joy. After my dad heard that, he felt supernatural comfort. God knows we are hurting. He is so excited for my mom, yet he still hurts with us.
We all thought mom went a little psycho in the last days. Three days before her passing she was the happiest we’ve seen her all through these trying months (October-January). She would say something (which we didn’t understand) and laugh. Then for no reason she would laugh. We thought she was loosing it, especially when she said, “Look! Who is that? Who is that at the door?” There was no one at the door. Absolutely no one. But for the next hour, she would just look at the door and smile and wave as if she saw someone.
A week before that, a pastor magically (holy spirit led) came and gave a short message to my mom. He shared about not focusing on the temporal but not the eternal, not on the seen, but unseen. It started to make sense to us. Who knew what my mom saw? Maybe she was hallucinating. But I believe, I truly believe, she saw something we didn’t. I truly believe that Jesus told her each step that she would take and that she was ready. She knew someone was waiting for her, her creator to take her home.
My mom died at a strange time. Why do I say strange? Well, we kept an eye on her the whole time. How was it that she left and none of us knew until a minute later? That night Brandon and I went home to sleep after staying at the hospital for 2 nights. It was my dad and brother who were at the hospital. They both stayed up until 3am and at 3 they crashed. At 3:30 a pastor called (the pastor that will lead the memorial service) and said, we need to pray for your wife. They prayed, my mom’s heart was still beating, at 140 (very fast) but still beating. Then at 4, my dad randomly wakes up, not because of sound, just woke up. That’s when he saw that her Electro Cardio Gram (the box with the heart rate) had become a line. He woke up John and got the nurse. Nurse got doctor, doctor declared mom’s time of death. Yes, this is truly a tragic ending to some, but it was so strange how it happened. She left so quietly, no scene, not even time to be anxious nor sad, and it’s done. To me, I think this was her request to God. “Please let me gather my things, say bye to my family, and we will go. Let my family sleep in peace.” She was so motherly even at her death.
I share all of this with you because you’ve shared with me, with us. We want you to know we accept all our prayers, sympathies, condolescenes, etc. But, we want you to know..it is well. Yes, it will take time to heal because her presence is still all around us, especially her things. But, it is well. This was God’s will, He has perfect timing, and He showed His love and provision in the most tender and gentle way in the midst of the most horrifying and painful time. God is with us. We truly experienced that.
May your tears be dried after reading this and may you know that our God is full of Love, Gentleness, and Hope.
“So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.” 2 Corinthians 4:18
Love in Christ,
Phoebe
